With a peaceful voice and a smile on her face, she looked at me and said, “go ahead and be a doctor.”
That day turned out to be my last session with my patient, whom I will call Jane for the sake of privacy, before she passed away.. That day, she was pale and her voice was trembling and weaker than usual. I could tell that something was wrong. In our conversation, Jane suddenly mentions that she wishes to go into a deep sleep and never wake up, so that the pain would go away. At this moment, shivers traveled down my spine, and all I could do was hold her hand and carry the conversation. Part of me knew that this might be the last session with Jane, but I didn’t want to completely believe it, so I kept thinking to myself that I will see her soon. Despite being tired, Jane still had that beautiful spark she always had in her eyes. She was still very conversational that day, and was delighted to talk to me about her family and paintings. As an artist myself, I related to Jane’s journey with art. I will always remember our joyful conversations about different painting mediums, styles, and techniques. She also always mentioned how much she loves and supports her gay granddaughter. As a a person who identifies as gay myself, Jane’s loving words inspired me and warmed my heart.
I decided to do hospice not only because of my interest in medicine, but mostly due to my experience with losing my father. My father passed away 3 years ago while I was away from home, so I wasn’t able to be by his side. I knew how important having people by his side during his final days was, so I wanted to do to other people what I couldn’t do with him. During hospice, I appreciated how crucial making a person’s final days as peaceful and comfortable as possible. The goal of hospice isn’t to treat them, but rather to ensure that their journey in this life is brought to a pleasant ending. Throughout my hospice experience, I realized that death isn’t necessarily an ominous bad ending, but rather it is an inevitable key part of the cycle of life. One of the most memorable and important quotes for me was from one of the poems we read which says, “life is beautiful… but death doesn’t have to be the opposite.” After death, the person continues to live in the minds and memories of their loved ones, and this is how their legacy is carried on, which is what Dr. Puri stresses in his article in the New York Times.
I believe that hospice provided me with a different perspective on life and death, which will be very important for me as a doctor. I realized that sometimes trying our best to cure a patient isn’t necessarily always the best approach, as it might cause them more pain and harm. Also, not getting too emotionally attached to our patients was very vital in hospice, and I believe that this will also be very prevalent in my medical career. Hospice was emotionally hard and draining, but the joy I saw on Jane’s face when we talked was worth it.
I didn’t conclude my first paragraph. So I would like to do so at the end of this essay. After Jane said those words, a strange warm feeling occupied my heart as my eyes teared up. I smiled at her and said, “I will.”