Learning to Deal with Loss

My time volunteering with Ascend Hospice has given me an invaluable opportunity to work on a more personal side of medicine that is difficult for premedical students to obtain. As a hospice volunteer, I have been challenged to provide comfort to patients in extremely vulnerable positions, and to understand how much grief the patient and their family must be going through. I have learned how to interact in situations that may initially feel uncomfortable, such as when a patient is particularly upset or when a patient is nonverbal.

When I first began volunteering, we visited a wonderful woman every week. She was nonverbal and blind, so initially we were unsure how to communicate with her or how to spend our visits. I became slightly frustrated, feeling like I should know how to comfort her, especially if I hope to be a doctor in the future. However, readings and reflection sessions provided by Ascend helped me come to accept that being able to comfort someone in what can be one of their most vulnerable, stressful parts of life is a long-term, difficult process. With time I became significantly more comfortable with reading her body language, finding new activities to do during our visits, and understanding that just providing company is often ample comfort.

Other students and I tried various activities with this patient until we found some that she seemed to respond well to. For example, we found that she enjoyed singing and always lit up when we sang and one of my peers played a ukulele. She also seemed to really enjoy receiving hand massages using the aromatherapy oils that Ascend provides. My peers and I looked forward to our weekly visits, and each visit was filled with plenty of smiling and laughter. Then, she passed while we were away on winter break. Again, I was reminded of all of our training and meetings that continued to emphasize how difficult this work would be.

We began making grief visits with her husband, who had shared a room with her. Visits with him initially were very emotionally difficult, as he experienced a great deal of grief after her passing. I felt sad about her passing and about the immense grief he went through. He was very open about his feelings, often staring at her empty bed, breaking down in tears, and mentioning how alone he felt. I often wasn’t sure what to say when he expressed his grief, but he seemed to really enjoy discussing stories about her from her youth. By being there to comfort and listen to him in his grief, he helped me understand grief and death. He taught us that just being present can make a huge difference in fighting loneliness. He also taught us not to be afraid to express our grief, but also to remember the good that happened. He taught us to be able to appreciate that her passing was inevitable, and not to expect anything different. I especially valued our visits with him for the lessons he taught us – I’m sure these lessons will be invaluable as I continue my journey towards being a doctor. Not only in dealing with death itself, but also with dealing with other hardships. I will always remember his wise advice explaining that life is difficult, but we should continue remembering the good things in life in order to push forward.