I am incredibly grateful to have participated in this program. My experiences with the patients that I visited have fostered my development of two crucial traits: empathy and compassion. I quickly learned that as a volunteer, my job was to assess what the patient needs at that moment of that particular day. Empathy was essential in achieving this task, because in addition to sharing the feelings of the patient, I had to truly understand them and respond accordingly. Equally important was the need to act with compassion—genuinely concerning and caring for the patients, in a personal way. My relationship with “Donald” was especially meaningful in developing those two traits.
As Dr. Sunita Puri became distraught during an emotionally taxing period in her palliative care experience, she was reminded that, “This is difficult work.” This simple and seemingly intuitive reminder resonated with me and my experiences with both “Donald” and his wife, “Mary.” As a result of his condition, “Donald’s” ability to speak was limited and our conversations tended to be fairly one-sided, with me responding to his short answers and providing some comment or personal experience related to the discussion at hand. I frequently interacted with his wife, as she was always sitting bedside. For me, the difficult aspect of this relationship did not involve the time I spent visiting them, but rather my reflection of the visits. Upon leaving their home after a visit, I often experienced a mixture of two opposing emotions: contentment and despondency.
My contentment derived from conversing with “Donald” and “Mary” and listening to their stories about their lives, family, and interests. “Donald,” despite being unable to enunciate clearly and provide lengthy comments, demonstrated his engagement and interest in our conversations through his eyes and his smile. It never got old seeing a smile from him and his positive reactions reliably transmitted joyful energy my way. Interacting with his wife, “Mary,” also remained a top priority of my visits, as I could tell how appreciative she was to have the opportunity to speak with someone in addition to “Donald.” Through our relationship, I experienced a different, yet critical aspect of the hospice volunteer experience: comforting the patient’s loved ones. Hearing what she had to say was always pleasant and I was joyous in the fact that I could provide her with an opportunity to converse with someone new.
My despondency mainly originated from two thoughts. First, although I am not qualified nor is it my position to help “Donald” beyond providing companionship, I couldn’t help but feel sympathy for him in his condition. Second, a part of me would grow despondent at the thought of leaving them alone. As I mentioned, I think both of them appreciated the company for different reasons, so sometimes it was hard for me to say goodbye even knowing that I would return the next week.
Importantly, I consistently found my emotion of despondency to be far more transient than my contentment, which I believe was due in large part to my growth facilitated by this program. Back in August when I watched Dr. Gawande’s video, Being Mortal, I began to establish the foundations of healthy reflection, a practice that I have found to be extremely beneficial during my time as a volunteer. His explanation of the “two unfixables” (aging and dying) stuck with me and provided me with perspective at times when I would grow despondent. His viewpoints and the ideas presented in our biweekly prompts constantly reinforced a pillar of palliative care: mitigating suffering to ensure a peaceful, natural death. Both the patient’s and my own acceptance of the dying process truly facilitated the meaningful and powerful experience that this was meant to be.