When applying for this program, I knew that I would be challenged and that I would experience immense growth, but I never imagined how transformative it would truly be. I could not be more grateful for receiving this life-changing opportunity. Although I don’t think anyone can fully prepare themselves for death and dying in the practice of medicine, this program has equipped me with numerous linguistic and caretaking tools that have helped me become more adequately prepared for the medical field. This experience has shaped my understanding of death and dying in helping me realize that death isn’t merely physical or personal, but it is also spiritual, mental, emotional, and communal. Before this program, I thought that death was synonymous for everyone, but I have learned that death is different for every individual, family, and community.
One of my more meaningful hospice relationships actually came from interacting with one of the patient’s daughters. I got to talk with her about how she was feeling about her mother being in hospice and also her father’s death. I was brought to tears when she told me the story of her father’s death. She said that right before his last breath, his eyes suddenly possessed a rich, deep color of blue that she had never seen before. She believed his eyes were so engrossing because he was seeing the face of Jesus, which I completely agreed with. This brought us to talk about Heaven and it was sweet to talk about the hope we can find in that even during the excruciating pains of death.
Being Mortal and the prompts have influenced my thinking enormously. They have helped me realize that death is a process, not only a one-time occurrence. As a medical professional, you are responsible for helping the individual’s wishes be met in the last days of their life. In order to do this, you have to start preparing early. You have to be audacious and bold with your patient so that you aren’t left guessing as to what their desires are when they are no longer able to effectively communicate their wishes. The discussions carried out along this program have helped me come to a deeper understanding of the empathetic and emotional maturity that a health professional needs. A doctor should not simply diagnose their patient and try to cure accordingly, but they should also anticipate the effects of each treatment and whether this will ultimately do more harm than good. They cannot always be the objective, detached professional that they are often portrayed to be, because the dying need more. As Gawande discussed in Being Mortal, Ivan Ilyich needed a diagnosis, but he also needed compassion, kindness, and sympathy. His companions were unintentionally stiff-arming him by refusing to confront his mortality. The dying need doctors to admit that death is inevitable and that death is ultimately incurable. It can be prevented in some occasions, and delayed in others, but eventually the patient will die. Doctors that accept this will be a better caretaker for their patients because they won’t be blinded by diagnoses, but will be able to see their patients’ deep desire for relationships, purpose, and life in their last days.
I have grown through this hospice experience by seeing the power of humanity and the intertwinement of souls. Talking with patients can be difficult, but there is an inherent and powerful togetherness between all humans that I had never realized before. Hospice has affected me and my sense of vocation by revealing this deep relational desire that we all possess and all simultaneously have the capability to fulfill when we let down our guards and view each other as human beings instead of patients, doctors, students, professors, etc.