Accepting Death While Remaining Human

The experience that Ascend Hospice has offered me is irreplaceable. Throughout my year here, I have been formally assigned to three different patients but have seen a lot more. Every single one got me thinking about life in one way, shape or form. The experience has forced me to be vulnerable, to dig deep within myself and face topics like death and dying head on.

I have always feared death when it meant losing people who are close to me or causing pain and misery to my family. I was scared of people dying but never had the same fear regarding myself dying. I feel that walking out of this experience I am more comfortable with letting go.

Meeting my first patient, Mr. Johnson, was one of the most difficult encounters I have ever had. I sat on the floor next to his wheelchair and looked up at him. As he was sleeping, he was wincing in pain. His snoring woke him up every five seconds. He was drooling and looked visibly in pain. He could not eat solid food so everything he ingested was pureed and he drank through a straw. Every time he woke up, our conversations would last no longer than 3 minutes before he fell asleep again and would wake up to new introduction of me and no recollection of anything previous. For the first time in my life, I wished death upon someone. I might sound like a cruel person saying this but I wanted him to rest in peace. I knew that his passing would cause pain and sadness to his family but I did not want him to have to go through those feelings on his own. I kept constantly asking myself what quality of life he was living and I would never want to be in his shoes. I walked out of the facility that day and was drenched in tears. I don’t want to lie and say that the tears have gone away many visits later. I am glad to say that I have not lost my humanity and empathy over the visits that I have had. But I have grown more and more accepting and comfortable with the ideas of death and dying.

When family members died, I would be initially very sad, and that sadness would turn in to anger at myself and then at my family. Why did they have to leave? Why couldn’t they hold on a little while longer? Going through this program, has made me realize that the answers to my questions are far more complicated than I have ever made them out to be. I found out that Mr. Johnson died over my winter break and I felt sad but relieved. I cried and mourned; I gave him what he deserved. But a huge part of me was relieved, I let out a huge sigh and a part of me was celebrating his passing. I prayed for him and moved on and understood that death and dying are huge cycles of life.

I now feel prepared for my career in Medicine. I would like to be a Cardiothoracic Surgeon in the future. I will be dealing with a lot of hopeless cases; I will be responsible for handing news of death and dying to my patients. I think that being empathetic and human is one of the most important characteristics of a doctor. But breaking down every time I lose a patient would be unhealthy for me and for people around me. It is critical to be able to accept death and dying as parts of the normal and expected cycles of life.