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Navigating Life as a Single Woman in The Workplace



Photo credit: Steve Greenberg

As a single woman in the workplace you clearly understand the value of economic and personal independence. Searching for a partner while working and supporting oneself can be challenging. This guide suggests ways to empower yourself to attract good men and deter unwanted attention.


How To Conduct yourself Socially in your Workplace


If you are in a new job, you simply must learn the "company culture" like dress code, first names used, and working hours for persons in comparable jobs at your company. The person who hired you is probably a good source for this crucial information. Err on the side of more conservative dress, more restraint in sharing your personal life details, and less interest in office gossip. Make a good impression and be punctual and aim to meet deadlines and goals.

  • Mandatory: wear comfortable shoes!

  • Do not offer negative comments about other workers. Avoid sarcasm. Don't be a complainer. It is better to be known a cheerful, positive and enjoyable person to work with.

  • Even if "everyone does it", refrain from long social phone calls or use of social media at work. Simply refuse to drink alcohol at lunch.

  • Most organizations reward "team players" rather than non-conforming "prima donnas".

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Commanding Respect from Men through your Actions


Your body language matters! Poise, good posture, eye contact, and self-control send positive signals. Refrain from touching your face and hair while talking. Your poise is attractive. It shows confidence. It commands respect.

  • Whether you're looking for a relationship or even just a friendship with a guy, always command respect by your conduct.

  • Be slow to be sexual when you search for courtship. Always command respect by your conduct. You are a valuable prize to be won, never an easily acquired (and discarded?) possession!

  • Avoid getting physical until sometime after friendship is formed.

  • Use his attraction to you to negotiate for relationship.

  • Discover his values and character before getting physical- it is very possible you may not like them and will be thankful you moved slowly.

  • Recognize that sexually transmitted diseases are rampant, costly, and life changing.

  • A pattern of hooking up with a variety of men risks STDS and loss of fertility. A bad idea!

  • Sporadic sex is unhealthy for the reproductive system Sporadic Sexual Behavior and Menstrual Cycle Length in Women Click here to read the research.

  • Avoid responding to late night texts or calls. Answering messages of this nature will indicate to the man that his time is more valuable than yours, since whenever he wants you, you are there.

  • If you are asked out on a date, ensure that you schedule that date for some pre-agreed time in advance. (Dr. Cutler recommends at least four days notice). This shows the man that his time is not more valuable than yours and commands respect.

  • If a man calls to ask you on a date on short notice and you are interested in going out with him, then express interest but say that you have plans. You do not owe it to the man to tell him what you are doing or why you cannot go out with him that night. You could have plans to paint your nails, but at this point it is not his business what you are doing. Simply say something like "I would really like to go out with you but I have plans for that night. How about next weekend?"

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Where and How to Find Good, Datable Men
(and places and types of men to avoid)

In your search for courtship, Dr. Cutler emphasizes the importance of "going out to play" three times a week for about two hours at a time. The more time you spend out of the house speaking with men, the more practice you will have to develop your social skills, the more exposure to single men you will get, and the more invitations for dates you will receive.

Here are some places that you may find single men looking for a relationship:

1. Singles bars and clubs in your local area. (See Section on navigating bar scene)

2. Special interest clubs and groups.

3. Community service - serving others can make you happier as well. Radiating a positive, cheerful attitude will draw men toward you.

4. Religious institutions that will provide fellowship.

5. Dancing and sports - these keep you fit and busy, and who knows, maybe you will even meet somebody in the process.

6. Lessons and classes - learn something new and make new friends, but opt for topics both sexes can enjoy! Maybe not a class in embroidery…

7. Online dating and social media. (See next section.)

Once you make your list of places to go, practice going out to play productively. Here are some tips:

1. Go out to play for 2 hours at a time. Go out alone to safe places, rather than clumped in a group with friends. This transmits the message "I am single and available".

2. Be cheerful. Have good posture. Be kind and open to learning.

3. Wait patiently.

4. Speak with men who approach.

5. Leave after two hours. That's your practice for today.

6. Practice how to converse socially in an attractive way.

Developing the art of social conversation

Social conversation with people whom you do not know is an acquired skill. Your goal is to become proficient. Good conversation is fluid and unpredictable. This takes practice. So even if your night out is kind of a bust and you aren't having a good time, think about the practice as a time to develop your social skills, tact, and grace.

  • If you do not want to answer a question that you are asked, say so! Be honest and graceful in your response and change the subject quickly. (for details see Chapter 4 of Dr. Cutler's Book Searching for Courtship.)

  • Be an engaging and interesting conversationalist. Ask about his job and interests and hobbies.
  • Play up your sense of humor and just have some fun!

  • Most importantly, if you are not enjoying a conversation, move on. End the conversation politely. Go talk to somebody else. Remember- you are in charge! Always feel free to say, "It was good to talk/meet with you. Now I'm going to meet some others."

Men to Avoid

During the course of your search, you will inevitably run into men who will try to impede your search for courtship or your independence as a woman. Develop your gracious conduct with them too. Practice and grow your skills.

1. Men at your Workplace

  • Avoid romance in the workplace. In Dr. Cutler's book, Searching for Courtship, she advises that as a single woman in the workplace, you clearly understand the importance of economic independence. It earns you the power to command respect, to get out of relationships you do not want to be in, and to have a way to sustain oneself while single. And that it is quite fulfilling to earn money and pay for your life!

  • Mixing business and courtship creates risks for your economic independence- women tend to date up in the workplace and if romance ends, your job may be on the line.

    • If you like the male superior who is pursuing you, express your interest. Tell him your concern. Ask to be transferred to another department and gauge his level of interest by his actions. Does he show respect for your request?


2. Men who state that they do not want to be in a serious relationship. If your goal is courtship, you want to find a man who shares a similar goal.

3. Men who are looking to "just be friends". These men will take time away from your search for courtship. Also your friendship is not destined to last long. Once you have a significant other, he will not want you spending time with your male "buddy".

4. Married men who claim: "my wife doesn't understand me". Why pursue someone saying he is a deceiver and will consider leaving his wife for you? Do not be misled into believing he will. Nor is it ethical to have a private, intimate relationship with anyone who can't openly see you. Sneaking around is bad for your sense of dignity, power, and joy. Don't start!

5. Men who claim he and his wife "have separated" but turn out to have the same address.

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How to Navigate the Club and Bar Scene


Most likely, there are singles bars and clubs in your local area. When going to a bar, look for a nicer place in your area to ensure safety. The bar in a luxury hotel is going to be safer for you than a waterfront sailors' bar!

  • Bars and clubs are generally not places that you will meet your husband, but they can offer a great place to build courage, practice social skills, and have fun!

  • Safety -Time your attendance when people will not be drinking in excess. After work around 5 or 6 is a great time to go. Do not leave the bar with a new man. Pick-ups are dangerous.

Dr. Cutler's Method for Navigating a Bar or Club (adapted from Chapter 5 of her book, Searching for Courtship ) .

1. When you arrive at the bar/club, assume a consumer's attitude. Stand near the doorway and scan the entire room for about a minute.

2. Then walk through the entire room as to disperse your pheromones through the place. Learn more about Dr. Cutler's pheromone discovery.

3. Perch. Sit at a table by yourself, and maintain a cheerful demeanor and good posture. Now it's time to wait until you are approached.

4. Inevitably within the first 15 minutes of sitting there, you will most likely be approached by a man. He may ask to buy you a drink. At this point, it is your choice if you decide to accept his offer.

  • If you accept his offer, be courteous and stay with him for at least a couple of minutes and engage in conversation. If you decide after that time that you do not wish to speak to him anymore, be courteous and end the conversation.

  • If you wish to decline his offer say no thank you and avert eye contact until your pursuer leaves. You can find details on how to do this in the book.
5. Always leave the bar or club by yourself. No pick-ups! Only exchange of phone number or email address.

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Avoiding Sexual Assault

Protect yourself against this risk by following some of these rules of thumb.

1. Avoid the appearance of sexual availability to a man with whom you have not yet become friends. If you can't answer these questions, you do not know him. So be very cautious about any suggestions that you are "available" since you have not yet pre-cleared him for safety.

  • Does he have sisters? Does he like them?
  • Does he understand that your willingness to share a kiss does not imply your willingness to go further?
  • Does he actually like women or see them as sex objects to be used and discarded?
  • Can he remain courteous when his wish for further intimacy is met with a clear 'no thanks just now'?
  • Is he interested in what you say?
  • Are you interested in his world-view?

2. Be aware of your surroundings in any situation. If you notice something that doesn't seem quite right, immediately remove yourself from the potentially dangerous situation. Many women who have been assaulted recount in retrospect, "I had a weird feeling about the situation, but I decided to just ignore it". Always trust your gut.


3. Practice using and then carry safety tools: maybe pepper spray, maybe something else. Learn about these devices, practice, and carry them. Put it where it can be quickly and easily retrieved in a time of crisis, especially whenever walking places alone or when you feel uncomfortable in your situation.

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Social Media and Dating Websites: the good and the bad

Tips to online dating

  • Try to be honest about yourself!
  • Have an idea of what you look for in a partner. Do you prefer a booklover? A gambler? A sports enthusiast?
  • Try not to judge men based on superficial criteria, look at the character they portray that their profile reveals. A man who brags about cheating on taxes might also cheat on relationships.
  • Beware of widespread fakery in profiles- any person can pose as somebody he is not. On the internet, nobody knows if you are a dog. You don't want to schedule a face to face date and have a beagle show up!
  • Meet people in person early into your online relationship. If there is no chemistry initially, it won't bloom later either! Trust your gut reactions to first impressions.

The Positives of Online Dating: Online dating opens up an enormous group of single individuals to you. It allows you to meet new people without stepping too far out of your comfort zone.

Problems with online dating: Attraction is based on more than just looks. Pheromones are substances naturally excreted by an individual and received by another that elicits socio-sexual behavior in the latter. Biological attraction via body chemistry is an essential component of attraction between two individuals. You can't tell if you will have chemistry with a person until you meet in person. So avoid spending a significant amount of energy and time into talking to a person just to meet up and feel disappointed.

Want to know more about pheromones? See: Our Pheromones and Sexuality: The Current Research On Human Pheromones and Their Role in Sexual Attraction.

In many ways online dating is inefficient. Compared to going out to a social event where many single people are circulating, you are working only one at a time. Not very efficient! For ways to generate parties of single people who qualify as candidates, see Searching for Courtship.

For more information on Athena Institute's trade secret cosmetic synthetic pheromone additive see Introducing Athena Pheromone 10:13 the unique cosmetic fragrance additive for women.

Dr. Cutler recommends that whenever you are meeting somebody for the first time or for a first date, arrive independently with separate transportation so you can leave in a hurry if necessary. For more information about how to be safe on first dates see Chapter 5 in her book, Searching for Courtship.

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Maintaining a Positive Attitude through Adversity By Developing Integrity and Courage

It can be challenging to maintain a positive attitude if things aren't going your way. Here are some tips on how to keep yourself in good graces.

Take responsibility for your choices. Resolve to learn from error. Practice resilience. Do not weigh yourself down by blaming other people and having hatred within you. Move on!

Coping with Loneliness

Working singles often feel lonely. Try a shift of mindset. Think of time alone as an opportunity. As positive solitude. A time to take a break and ready yourself for your next task. (For more information on how to cope with loneliness, see chapter 2 of the book.

Practice your Religion - Get Spiritual!

Spending spiritual, quiet time in community can fulfill your basic human need for interaction, while enhancing your spiritual being. This will develop your well-being and positive attitude.

For more information on getting spiritual and enhancing your qualities of integrity, which readies you to search for courtship, see chapter 2 of Dr. Cutler's book- Searching for Courtship.

Another way to maintain a positive attitude is to follow a social media account that will bring uplifting spurts of positivity into your life. These can be accessed through church websites and many other resources.

The Power of a Positive Attitude when searching for a relationship

  • It helps to nourish a realistic but optimistic perspective. Remember that love makes you vulnerable to both joy and pain. To become more positive, focus on the great aspects of your life every day. Count your blessings!

  • A positive attitude makes for a radiant, attractive person. Very few people want to spend time with a mopey negative person- because it feels bad to be around them! You get what you project. So cultivate a right spirit within yourself.

Stuck in a dry spell? Use this time to improve yourself.

  • When stopped at the edge of a raging river, do something constructive, like building a raft. Use this time to improve yourself. Educate yourself during this time alone.

  • Look into new interests and pastimes that others enjoy. Even just a simple Google search can teach you a lot about other people's passions. Learn what all of the hype about this thing is. Obviously you should not force yourself to have interests that you don't care for, but even just learning something new is always beneficial. Who knows, maybe you'll find a new passion, but at the very least you'll become a more interesting, well-rounded person. The more you know, the more you can share, and the easier conversation skills will develop.

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Building a Worthwhile Enduring Relationship

When you are in a monogamous, intimate relationship there are certain ways of behaving that can help you maintain this healthy relationship.

  • Communication and courtesy are key ingredients to making a relationship last.

  • Once your relationship becomes intimate, make the effort to communicate your desires. Never fake satisfaction because it will yield more of what does not work for you.

    The research suggests that although achieving an orgasm during sex is not inevitable for most women, there is a learning curve and it can be achieved with the right stimulation for most who have sufficient circulating levels of sex hormones. See: Women's Response to Genital Stimulation : Evidence for the Functional Role of Timing.

  • Make it your goal to connect at least once a week (except during menstruation), this will keep your reproductive system healthy and maintain the intimate aspect of your relationship.

Here is the reason for abstaining from sex during menstruation. Study by Athena Institute Shows Sex during Menstruation May be Harmful.

Ending a Toxic Relationship

  • When ending a relationship, be firm, empathetic, and clear to limit his pain and loss.

  • Avoid blunt language, be gracious and understand that rejection is tough for everyone to handle.

    Say something like "I have decided we are on different paths and we should not see each other anymore. It has been nice getting to know you. Best of luck."

  • Never send a text message to end a relationship; ending a relationship should be in person or at least with a phone call.

If you are in an abusive relationship, remember that there are resources out there for you. The national domestic violence hotline is a 24/7 service that you can use. To contact them, call 1-800-799-7233 or go to http://www.thehotline.org.

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